It's Wednesday at 3:30. I just dropped Lizette off for a sleepover and Lexi is down for a nap. So, it's a good time to blog.
The problem is, I'm so completely annoyed right now that I feel like my head is going to explode. Probably not the best moment for me to be blogging to the world. But, here I am. I want this to be included in my blog posts because it seems to be such a dominant part of almost every day of my life.
Subject: Feeling inadequate.
I'm in tears right now as I write this. No joke.
I just returned from Lexi's 9 month check up. The doctor was very concerned that she is not waving good-bye yet, crawling or standing up to things. She was quite shocked in fact. She told me to work with her on these things more.
I know the doctor is just doing her job. She needs to make sure our kids are on track.
I could react in a calm manner and think to myself, "I'm sure she will do those things soon. Lizette was a late crawler and walker. I'm sure she's fine..."
Instead, I choose to think that I must be a terrible mother. I don't work with her enough. I'm lazy. I must spend too much time doing other things instead of focusing on my children. I have no clue what I'm doing. Did I mention I'm a terrible mother?
Why do I do this to myself? Maybe I do need to spend more time with her on these things. Yes, I know I could always do better. However, I also think that I am too hard on myself and I am so tired of being this way. Can't I just love my kids and do the best I can and be good enough? I guess not or I wouldn't be feeling this way, huh?
The thing is, if we just lived in a bubble I would think my kids were doing just great. My problem is whenever I have an experience like at the doctor today or talk to someone who says their kids are doing this or that, and I realize that my kids might be "behind" in some area, I start to worry. I automatically think that I'm doing something wrong. I either think that I don't teach them well enough or I don't spend enough time with them. In some way I must be flawed.
Today I'm feeling really annoyed at myself for feeling this way.
So what if they don't do every little developmental thing on time? Maybe Lexi doesn't crawl, but she has the sweetest smile in the world. She doesn't stand up to things, but she wakes up happy every morning just jabbering until we come get her out of bed.
She's healthy and happy. Isn't that what counts the most?
By the way, she does say "mama" and "dada", she's very attentive and observant and she scooted on her tummy for the first time today.
Anyway, I am so tired of feeling like a bad mom about this kind of stuff. Maybe I am not the best mom in the world, but I've only had 3-1/2 years of experience at it. I mean, give me a break.
And you know what? My kids are great just the way they are. They are perfect to me and I love every single little thing about both of them. And you know what else? They love me too even if I'm not a perfect mom. That's a beautiful thing.
Ranting complete.
Oh Jackie, I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I have felt this way so many times, you are not the only mom who has felt this way. The good news is that you are a great mom - and you are your kids' only mom! I have found that some doctors are so consumed with the stages of the "book", that they forget not every child is the same or follows suit. Your kids are great and they are developing just fine. Can we all do better - SURE!! But don't beat yourself up about it. I think you have the right thoughts about your daughter, maybe she doesn't crawl, but she wakes up happy and has a great smile! That's how we as mother's get through the day, the week, the month, and all the rearing years! You are AWESOME Jackie!!!
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Cindi. You are a great mom and I am not just saying that.
ReplyDeleteI have these feelings ALL the time so I am not good at comforting you. However there is something I learned the hard way, and that is to not worry about their development if it's a little behind. Kids are going to do things at their own pace. When Dallin was younger his cousin (who was 4 months older) was reading. I thought he must be behind so I pushed him and pushed him. . .well he did learn to read when he was 4 but he hated it! We fought every night and our relationship really suffered. He'd throw a tantrum on the floor while I was frusterated that he didn't want to learn. Only when I gave him a break and let him do his own thing did things turn around. He still hated reading for a long time and when he got into 3rd grade he got a teacher who really taught him to love reading (not me) and he is very advanced now in reading and it had nothing to do with me. When Alise went to Kindergarden I taught her very little and she has done great! She is begining to love reading. I have learned with all my kids not to push them and not to worry if they are behind a little.
I promise she will catch up. Don't blame yourself, they have minds of their own and they choose when they want to do something. My advice is to just encourage her by example and she'll do the rest.
Jackie you are an amazing mother. Never forget that. We think you are the best.
ReplyDeleteInadequate my foot! Just keep up the hard work - your are a great mother. Remember life never stays the same and someday Lexi may be that doctor.
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